Don't tell the old Anna, but I love reading. Over the past year, I have been reading novels for the first time. For the past 15 years, I have been reading self-help books on single life, faith, marriage, motherhood and parenting. I have picked up a number of novels at used bookstores in our area. Most of the novels have been written in the past ten years. I have been drawn to authors like Bret Lot, Anna Quindlen, and Kim Edwards. The book I am reading now is entitled The Pilot's Wife, by Anita Shreve. It was published in 1998. 120 pages in and I am hooked. Kathryn, a pilot's wife, gets that knock at the door one night. The kind that changes her forever. Her husband's plane crashed. The plot is full of emotion as Shreve presents a character that learns to live with this devastation. Within this story Shreve allows the reader to go into Kathryn's memory of her life with her husband. I want to share several lines from a chapter I was reading yesterday. Kathryn was remembering a fight she had had with her husband. Basically, Kathryn had confronted Jack, her husband, about his behavior at home. He had appeared disinterested and disconnected. They fought and made up and this what was written about the short time that followed.
And the voracious momentum of that night changes, for a time, the tenor of their marriage, so that they look more often into each other's eyes as they pass in the hallway, trying mutely to say something meaningful, and kiss each other with more enthusiasm whenever they meet, in the house or outside by the cars or even , several times, in public, which pleases Kathryn. But after a while, that too passes, and she and Jack go back to normal, as they have been before, which is to say that they, like all the other couples Kathryn has ever known, live in a state of gentle decline, of being infinitesimally, but not agonizingly, less than they were the day before.
Which means, on the whole, she thinks, that it is a good marriage.
I love the language used, but what is being said here troubles me. I can understand what Shreve is trying to allow the reader to know about Kathryn and her thoughts on her own marriage. It touches me. It touches me in a way that makes me never want to line those thoughts up in my mind about my own marriage.
I desire a marriage that strengthens over time. I want to grow more in love versus living in a state of gentle decline. Love takes time, patience, persistence and work. The love that Scott and I share is sacred. It is not always perfect. It can be down right messy. However, we are very determined and enjoy each other very much. Is it uncomfortable sometimes when we argue, fuss or fight? Yes, of course. No one likes to have to deal with the messiness of marriage. But it is there and we have found that you have to push through and choose love. Marriage takes work.
As I read about what Shreve wrote about Jack and Kathryn's attempt to love one another with more enthusiasm just after they made up, I get that. There are times that I feel like I love with more enthusiasm than other times. When I come down off of that enthusiasm, what is it that makes me choose to love authentically instead of give up and just settle for less than what I want? Words like devotion, attraction, faith, servant hood, hopefulness, thankfulness, unconditional, comfort, need, and desire come to mind.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. America's day to be lovey dovey. I think it is cute. I do eat up any special attention or affection I get. As the word love is thrown around all day tomorrow, what I want is to keep pursuing love and be loved with assurance and delight.
I love being married. Sharing my life with my best friend is really enjoyable. I love Scott. Our life together is better than I could have dreamed up. I am so thankful. I don't want to stop here, I want to grow and enhance the love we share. There's work to be done! I am so thankful for the gift of marriage.
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