Head Above Water

Yesterday and today I have felt like I have been swimming in the deep. Do you know the type of feeling I am referring to? Those days when you feel less than lovely and you can't seem to catch up. Yes, I have been there before and I imagine we all experience this here and there.

I was lingering in doubt yesterday pertaining to homeschooling. Any homeschooling mother will say that this comes with the territory. I agree, wholeheartedly. It is easy to second guess yourself when you are creating something you have never seen before.

I am realizing how difficult it is to keep everyone happy, focused, taught, fed, nurtured and loved at the same time. I felt and feel overwhelmed with the task of raising and teaching these kids every day. There is no job I would rather do, although I would sometimes like to run for cover.

I think what I am learning most is that I have to put on love every morning when I rise, knowing full well that I am walking into a day full of needs. It is far better to embrace this idea that Christ lived out, rather than kick and scream my way through selflessness.

I am also learning that pride is not a good buddy to carry around with me. It inhibits selflessness and closeness with my immediate family. I am eager to let my soft and silly sides surface more. I have been praying for a lightheartedness for a year now. I have been conditioned to be a worrier and controlling. Breaking free will take serious (see I can be so serious) effort.

It is hard learning things about myself that need to be changed. I find these things as I work and live alongside my family. I find out what doesn't work for me or someone else in response to a quality or habit of mine. Some of you will say that I am being too hard on myself. Really, don't we all get convicted occasionally about a quality we see in ourselves that we have to work on? The working is not fun. Real effort has to be put into change.

I AM determined to love and give myself daily to this family. The Lord has blessed me so richly, I will do my best. Hard days come and go. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3 where Solomon writes, "There is a time for everything . . . A time to cry and a time to laugh." I have to roll with these fleeting days with grace and a willingness to grow.